Can O' Whoop Ass

I left my first blog with "maybe a good ol' can of whoop ass would do the trick".  As I revisited my blog, I thought to myself...is this really an effective way of disciplining your child?  So I decided to do some research...but before I begin, I wanted to revisit my childhood.

I can count on one hand the times my parents gave me a good ol' Puerto Rican spanking. Reflecting on it, I deserved it!  I don't feel they were abusive at all.  In fact, my spankings were far in between and punishments would mostly consist of no phone privileges, no best friend for a week, and no going out for two weekends in a row, to name a few.  When my mom would go shopping, we didn't dare ask for anything.  We knew damn well she would remind us of what we did to merit our punishments. "Wait 'til your father gets home" was the one line we dreaded hearing!

Talking back to my parents was a big NO NO!  However, as an adolescent, you sometimes think you can get away with it.  That's when I got my first "lip check".  Yep.  That's what I named it.  The "lip check".  This consisted of my mother’s index and middle finger whipping against my lips for cursing while talking to her.  I didn't curse in front of her for years after that! "Shit" became "Shoot."  "Fuck" became "Freak."  Even as a woman of a certain age, I watch what I say!  Looking back, I don't think it was a big deal that my mom "lip checked" me.  I should have respected my mom more than that and talking back to my dad, was probably the worse. 

My father is a retired Army veteran.  Sometimes, he would have either my brother or I, kneel down before a wall to think about what we did wrong. What lead us to doing time…big fights with my little brother. Can you imagine the cat and dog fights I had with my brother? I am three years older than he, so I experienced middle school, high school and college before he did.  Can we talk about tattle tale? Let's not even mention how we had to share a room. 'Til this day we still talk about how neither of us had our own room! So, after a few minutes of body slams, punches, kicks, claws and broken items, mom would step in and mess us up! She used the belt on us, twice maybe during our teen years?  Then my father would come home. OOOH MY GOD! 

My fathers' idea for punishment reflected his experience with the military (of course I'm exaggerating, but, it came close). He would have my brother and I stand face to face for several minutes for fighting each other and we couldn't move until we shook hands, hugged or apologized.  After about one minute, my brother and I would start laughing at our faces until we would forget about our fight.  Papi would even force us to shake hands, give hugs and say sorry when we were too stubborn to come clean first. 

There were a few occasions where my father would have ME, and not my brother because he was the lucky one, hold one book on each hand, like airplane arms.  You think that's bad? He would then have me read 10 pages from the dictionary with the dreadful task of coming up with 10 sentences, on top of that day's homework.  Did I mention he would double check my work?!  He sure did! Come to think of it...I was spelling bee champ in third grade!  Guess it paid off. 

I thought twice about messing up.  I didn't want to hold those books!  I had a sense of fear and respect for my folks, something which in my opinion, is lacking in our youth in today's society. Now, when I was 16 I came home with a stupid hickey.  Thing is, I was at the movies with my "friend that was a boy."  Now, I say "friend that was a boy" because I was not allowed to have "boyfriends."  It was okay to just have friends, and with respect! Anyhow.  My "friend that was a boy" reached over and playfully bit me on the neck, leaving a mark on my fair skin!  I was so upset because it hurt! Funny thing is...I really was not up to no good...that time! The next day, I woke up to a slap in the face.  How dare the young lady of the house come home with what appeared to be a hickey?!  I didn't even KNOW I had a mark!  Come to think of it, my dad was pretty fair compared to what I think I would do to my 16 year old if he/she came home with a hickey.

My cousins, however, didn't have it this lucky. My favorite cousin received the beat-down of the year.  Poor kid was in third grade or so when the parent/teacher conference didn't go too well.  He was failing in some classes and his dad didn't take it too lightly.   I remember crying to my mom "make him stop hitting <name>."  She told me that she couldn't do anything.  I was so sad.  My cousin was kicked down the stairs, punched and shoved all the way out the school. I remember my uncle pulling my cousin's hair then shoving his head.  It was something I would never forget. 

I find, in my experience, that many people in the Latino community either know someone, or have been disciplined with the belt or some over-the-top form of punishment.  When asked, some feel it was necessary and others say it was straight-up child abuse. Obviously, there is a thin line between discipline and child abuse! 

The question is: Should we discipline our children with any spankings at all? 

According to Dr. Sears of AskDrSears.com, hitting models hitting, it devalues the child and parent and this type of discipline may lead to abuse. Further, hitting a child does not improve behavior, is NOT biblical, promotes anger in parents and children, brings back bad memories and causes long-term bad effects and straight-up doesn't work.  If you are spanking your three year old, most likely than not, the three year old will spank your one year old, because children love to imitate their parents.

While my cousin was physically abused, he is thankful for the discipline.  He feels he was definitely out of line during his teenage years, but also feels it was unfair for him to be treated the way he was during that third grade parent/teacher conference. Currently in the peak of his 30th birthday, he is very distant from his father. On the other hand, my punishments were different and I feel I am living proof that a mix of non-physical and physical punishments can still create a strong, independent, respectful individual.  There was a sense of love in my home from my parents.  We were constantly reminded that they loved and cared for our well-being and wanted the best for us.  At times when we had problems we didn't necessarily wanted to share with our parents, they would remind us that we can always tell them the truth and they would always help us no matter what. 

In the end, I believe there is a cultural influence on the discipline we give our children. My parents didn't abuse us.  We had the occasional whooping that I could count on one hand. They explained why we caught it.  Privileges were taken away. At the end, we turned out to be responsible adults with nothing but love for our friends and family. 

What do you think?

Love & Light

Lissette-Lissette

To be, or not to be...SMART

What better way to start off my first blog in September then talking about back-to-school? I remember my first day at Christopher Columbus HS in the Bronx. It was the first time I took the train to school. Actually, it was the first time I took the train anywhere! I was so excited. My nerves were shaking but it was a sense of freedom. 

I felt like I had woken up from a fairy tale of toys and candy because I was in high school now. I was grown. All I had to worry about was looking cool, making new friends and fitting in-But why wasn't I worried about the classes I was about to embark? Or perhaps what kind of tutoring I may have needed or the extracurricular activities that the school had to offer? Where were my priorities? I reflect on those days and realize that I was no where near the only one with screwed up priorities at that time.

With all the back-to-school ad's on our television sets and newspapers regarding hot fashion, trends and styles, I couldn't help but wonder why we focus so much on how the kids are dressing, rather then, how the kids are learning. What I mean is, wouldn't it be cool to have back-to-school ad's about upcoming spelling bee's, talent shows, and chest competitions? Oh, and when I say chest competitions, I don't mean plastic surgeries as sweet sixteen gifts for girl-to-girl titty competitions-That's a whole other blog. 

Like I was saying, wouldn't it be cool to have back-to-school TV and newspaper ad's about the best science project or best home-made robot? Some of these kids I see in New York are walking around with Coach back packs and Coach sneakers but can't even spell "Coach." Something is not right! Look, I once heard through the grapevine that the American education system is failing and our children are dumb-asses compared to countries like Japan, Germany and France. So I decided to do a little research. After all, this IS the USA!

According to some facts from "MAKING SCHOOLS WORK" by William G. OuchiIn: 

1. New York City, only had 29.5 percent of public school eighth graders pass the state English test in 2002. Students in the upstate cities of Rochester, Syracuse, and Buffalo are doing even worse.[p. 7]

2. Philadelphia, more than half the students cannot pass basic reading and math tests. Governor Mark S. Schweiker has assumed control of the Philadelphia school district and hired several private firms to manage the system. [p. 7]

3. Our nation has a persistent gap in educational attainment among races. While 93 percent of white students graduate from high school, only 63 percent of Hispanics and 87 percent of blacks do so. [pp. 7-8] (I'm Puerto-Rican. How could I not highlight this section?)

4. On average, school districts across the nation report that 88 percent of first graders eventually graduate from high school. However, for large urban districts, the figure is typically a good deal lower. For example, the graduation rates are 66.4 percent in Seattle, 63 percent in Edmonton, 55.5 percent in New York City, 51.8 percent in Los Angeles, 44.8 percent in Houston, and 41.3 percent in Chicago. [p. 42]

5. According to the U.S. Education Department in 2002, 8,652 public schools — 9 percent of the total — failed to meet required learning standards. Under the No Child Left Behind Law established that year students at the failing schools were entitled to transfer to other public schools of their choice, with the district paying for their transportation. Many school districts were scrambling to comply and place all the students who wished to transfer. [p. 181] (GOOD GOING, PRESIDENT BUSH. Brilliant plan! Not only do our kids get to fail in their first choice of public school but they get to fail in another public school, which by the way, also has a failing system. The "F" word has found new meaning.)

THIS IS THE USA,  PEOPLE! We should be right up there with these other countries. I mean, we do have the best military at this time, so why not have the best educational system as well? IT'S NOT A COINCIDENCE THAT OUR EDUCATION, HEALTH CARE AND BANKING SYSTEMS ALL SHARE A COMMON DENOMINATOR: FAILURE. But I digress. The  question is, do you want your kids to enjoy learning? Do you want them to have a new-found love for reading, writing and arithmetic? If the answer is "yes" then it starts with you. After all, you are their most important teacher.  

Honestly speaking, if it weren't for my parents, I wouldn't have been intrigued about learning things that school didn't have to offer. For example, the true history behind Christopher Columbus' voyage to "Boriken," or the "land of the the brave people." Which later became Puerto Rico. We were taught that he "discovered" the island. Helloooo! We were already there numb-nuts! Geez. Anyways, I recently learned that many of the Taino people gather on Columbus Day to remember their ancestors. If it weren't for my folks, I would have never become curious about my family history, America's history, and the world's history, which by the way, helped enormously in regards to writing my poetry.

So here's to you, parents! A few ways to help your children build a more solid foundation for better learning: 

1.  ROUTINE: Take about 10 minutes to read to your children every day. Current events, stories, cereal box, who cares! Just read! Most importantly, take turns.

2.  LET ME COUNT THE WAYS: When traveling with your little ones, let them count how many trees they see. Ask how many red cars can you find? How many brown dogs can they spot. Before you know it, they are counting to 1,000. If traveling with teens, enlighten them with facts. If you smelled car smog in the air, give them knowledge about today's oil crisis and environment and don't forget to ask what do they know about it.

3. CHIT CHAT: Speak to your children. What's new in school? What happened in school? Keep in mind, they are kids, you are an adult, so they interpret things and relate things differently. Allow them to express themselves about what happened in school, don't interrupt, and keep asking more questions! For example, what happened at recess, or, are there any upcoming plays, events or competitions.

4.  SAY WHAT? Don't let their school papers be strangers to you. Be intrigued, read what they have brought home. Ask questions!

5. TOOLS: Keep books, magazines, newspapers and printouts accessible throughout your home.

6.  FAMILY TIME: Board games can help children interact better. With games like "Pictionary" they have to read the card then draw out the subject. Learning is awesome when you put it this way!

7.  NO NAME CALLING: I can't stress this enough in New York. I've seen parents actually call their children "stupid" in front of people in the streets. If they are "stupid" and YOU are raising them, what does that make you? A dumb-ass! This hurts a child's morale and self-esteem. Be nice.

8.   DUST YOURSELF OFF, TRY AGAIN: Encourage them. Laugh at the errors or mistakes and correct them with love. Support them when they have tried but failed. It's okay. God knows we screwed up a few times ;o)

9.   SIMILARITIES: When they learn something new, make sure you compare it to something they've learned in the past. Remember 2 apples plus 2 apples equaled 4 apples? Now today, its 2 oranges plus 2 oranges equals 4 oranges. WOW!  It helps them remember. 

10. EVIL TV, INTERNET & CELL PHONES! Don't be silly. We can all agree that TV, the World Wide Web, and cell phones are in fact, the most convenient and amazing inventions ever! But, I have to say, it can relate negative messages to our youth. I mean, I am sooo sick of MTV or BET music videos featuring booty-shaking, titty-bouncing, weave tossing girls who really, at core, don't have high self-esteems. I mean, did I really want my nephew, or little cousins, to see Britney Spears and Madonna make-out? Girl, please! (or man)

I say this to show you that LIMITING TV, INTERNET & CELL PHONE use can actually benefit your children. With so much Internet bullying, pornography, and scams, our children are often helpless. Make sure they are watching something educational. Keep your parental controls up-to-date. And if you think that your teen is not on the phone showing naked pics of his/herself, talking sex, or engaging in inappropriate behavior, you better think again (yet, another topic to blog about.) I mean, with a failing education system, where ARE they spending their brain cells on? I heard through the grapevine, that teens are spending more and more time on looks then they are brains. And when I say brains...you know what...I'll leave that one alone! 

LET KIDS BE KIDS! They are the key to our future. The best way to teach, is to lead by example, read and relate. Get involved, 'cause God knows no one else will care for your children the way you would. Maybe a good ol' can of whoop ass would do the trick! LOL Just kidding!!!  Or am I? Hmmm.

Love & Light
Lissette-Lissette