I left my first blog with "maybe a good ol' can of whoop ass would do the trick". As I revisited my blog, I thought to myself...is this really an effective way of disciplining your child? So I decided to do some research...but before I begin, I wanted to revisit my childhood.
I can count on one hand the times my parents gave me a good ol' Puerto Rican spanking. Reflecting on it, I deserved it! I don't feel they were abusive at all. In fact, my spankings were far in between and punishments would mostly consist of no phone privileges, no best friend for a week, and no going out for two weekends in a row, to name a few. When my mom would go shopping, we didn't dare ask for anything. We knew damn well she would remind us of what we did to merit our punishments. "Wait 'til your father gets home" was the one line we dreaded hearing!
Talking back to my parents was a big NO NO! However, as an adolescent, you sometimes think you can get away with it. That's when I got my first "lip check". Yep. That's what I named it. The "lip check". This consisted of my mother’s index and middle finger whipping against my lips for cursing while talking to her. I didn't curse in front of her for years after that! "Shit" became "Shoot." "Fuck" became "Freak." Even as a woman of a certain age, I watch what I say! Looking back, I don't think it was a big deal that my mom "lip checked" me. I should have respected my mom more than that and talking back to my dad, was probably the worse.
My father is a retired Army veteran. Sometimes, he would have either my brother or I, kneel down before a wall to think about what we did wrong. What lead us to doing time…big fights with my little brother. Can you imagine the cat and dog fights I had with my brother? I am three years older than he, so I experienced middle school, high school and college before he did. Can we talk about tattle tale? Let's not even mention how we had to share a room. 'Til this day we still talk about how neither of us had our own room! So, after a few minutes of body slams, punches, kicks, claws and broken items, mom would step in and mess us up! She used the belt on us, twice maybe during our teen years? Then my father would come home. OOOH MY GOD!
My fathers' idea for punishment reflected his experience with the military (of course I'm exaggerating, but, it came close). He would have my brother and I stand face to face for several minutes for fighting each other and we couldn't move until we shook hands, hugged or apologized. After about one minute, my brother and I would start laughing at our faces until we would forget about our fight. Papi would even force us to shake hands, give hugs and say sorry when we were too stubborn to come clean first.
There were a few occasions where my father would have ME, and not my brother because he was the lucky one, hold one book on each hand, like airplane arms. You think that's bad? He would then have me read 10 pages from the dictionary with the dreadful task of coming up with 10 sentences, on top of that day's homework. Did I mention he would double check my work?! He sure did! Come to think of it...I was spelling bee champ in third grade! Guess it paid off.
I thought twice about messing up. I didn't want to hold those books! I had a sense of fear and respect for my folks, something which in my opinion, is lacking in our youth in today's society. Now, when I was 16 I came home with a stupid hickey. Thing is, I was at the movies with my "friend that was a boy." Now, I say "friend that was a boy" because I was not allowed to have "boyfriends." It was okay to just have friends, and with respect! Anyhow. My "friend that was a boy" reached over and playfully bit me on the neck, leaving a mark on my fair skin! I was so upset because it hurt! Funny thing is...I really was not up to no good...that time! The next day, I woke up to a slap in the face. How dare the young lady of the house come home with what appeared to be a hickey?! I didn't even KNOW I had a mark! Come to think of it, my dad was pretty fair compared to what I think I would do to my 16 year old if he/she came home with a hickey.
My cousins, however, didn't have it this lucky. My favorite cousin received the beat-down of the year. Poor kid was in third grade or so when the parent/teacher conference didn't go too well. He was failing in some classes and his dad didn't take it too lightly. I remember crying to my mom "make him stop hitting <name>." She told me that she couldn't do anything. I was so sad. My cousin was kicked down the stairs, punched and shoved all the way out the school. I remember my uncle pulling my cousin's hair then shoving his head. It was something I would never forget.
I find, in my experience, that many people in the Latino community either know someone, or have been disciplined with the belt or some over-the-top form of punishment. When asked, some feel it was necessary and others say it was straight-up child abuse. Obviously, there is a thin line between discipline and child abuse!
The question is: Should we discipline our children with any spankings at all?
According to Dr. Sears of AskDrSears.com, hitting models hitting, it devalues the child and parent and this type of discipline may lead to abuse. Further, hitting a child does not improve behavior, is NOT biblical, promotes anger in parents and children, brings back bad memories and causes long-term bad effects and straight-up doesn't work. If you are spanking your three year old, most likely than not, the three year old will spank your one year old, because children love to imitate their parents.
While my cousin was physically abused, he is thankful for the discipline. He feels he was definitely out of line during his teenage years, but also feels it was unfair for him to be treated the way he was during that third grade parent/teacher conference. Currently in the peak of his 30th birthday, he is very distant from his father. On the other hand, my punishments were different and I feel I am living proof that a mix of non-physical and physical punishments can still create a strong, independent, respectful individual. There was a sense of love in my home from my parents. We were constantly reminded that they loved and cared for our well-being and wanted the best for us. At times when we had problems we didn't necessarily wanted to share with our parents, they would remind us that we can always tell them the truth and they would always help us no matter what.
In the end, I believe there is a cultural influence on the discipline we give our children. My parents didn't abuse us. We had the occasional whooping that I could count on one hand. They explained why we caught it. Privileges were taken away. At the end, we turned out to be responsible adults with nothing but love for our friends and family.
What do you think?
Love & Light
Lissette-Lissette
All in all, i would have to agree. We walk around malls, fast-food joints to dine-in restaurants, even grocery stores, you see how children are off the chain. If not by verbal disrespect, but all around emotional disrespect to parents. Why? Due to lack of punishment. Not saying over-the-top is needed(although, sometimes you want to handle children FOR parents who CLEARLY don't) Establishing the relationship with the child as well as earning(yes, earning and maintaining)the respect is key and crucial at a young age...and that's speaking from my own experience. Yup, i feel ya Miss Torres on both ends of the belt(buckle and tail) Appreciate your thoughts and time it took to this piece together.
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